


Would A Thousand Souls Still Pray For You And I?

by CoyoteGhost



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Día de los Muertos | Day of the Dead, Flashbacks, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, ya boi is back and flexing their writing muscles!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:14:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26539435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoyoteGhost/pseuds/CoyoteGhost
Summary: “Jesse doubted those words, but right now that didn’t matter. What did matter was that Gabriel was beside him, holding him like he did so many years ago. Once again, a cold hand soothingly ran through his hair, and under the waning veil of night, Jesse was helpless as he succumbed to sleep.”OrAfter making a new acquaintance, Jesse travels to Oaxaca to finally try and lay his demons to rest.
Relationships: Jesse McCree/Reaper | Gabriel Reyes
Comments: 4
Kudos: 35





	Would A Thousand Souls Still Pray For You And I?

**Author's Note:**

> Howdy howdy howdy!! 
> 
> It’s been brought to my attention that I’m predominantly an angst fanfic writer, and while I try to write soft things, y’all see where they tend to go XD 
> 
> Also, the title comes from “Day of the Dead” by Hollywood Undead (2020 is bringing my emo taste in music back to life :;(∩´﹏`∩);: )
> 
> As always, please enjoy the fic!!!

He noticed it following him the first year after he left Blackwatch. At first, Jesse thought it might’ve been a different bird every time, because there was no way that a single crow would just trail after him, right? But the longer he kept going, the farther he went, the more he realized that it was, in fact, the same damn one.

It was an odd little thing. It still only appeared every now and then, but earlier in the day, right after the sun had set, Jesse had seen it flying overhead in the steadily growing rain, perched on the roof of an old convenance store (he had to replenish his cheap cigarettes _somewhere_ ) that was near the shitty motel he planned to stay at for the night. Jesse tried not to be a superstitious man, but a crow was a crow. It was never really a very good sign.

He hoped that it would eventually decide to fly off somewhere else, maybe to a place warm and sunny. Just preferably somewhere it wasn’t starting to storm. As Jesse opened his door and closed it behind him, shaking the rain out of his hair, he realized that his hope was in vain. The damn thing was sitting on edge outside his window. Jesse tried to ignore it as he threw his bag down and hobbled blindly in the dark room. He truly wanted it to be his imagination (it’s not like he hadn’t dreamt up delusions before), but as he flicked on the dim bedside lamp, the outline of the crow became much more apparent.

Jesse wasn’t quite sure if he was surprised or not. It had never really been all that close to him, but there it was, just sitting there. It was... actually kind of creepy. It was just _staring_ at him through the filthy glass, unblinking, like it was waiting for something.

Fucking great. Now Jesse couldn’t open the window.

His motel room might’ve been temporary, but he didn’t really want it to reek of cigarette smoke for the rest of eternity (or at least while he was in it). At the same time, what would happen if he opened the window? He didn’t want bird shit everywhere, and it’s not like he could get the thing to fly back outside without a little bit of a struggle. Jesse wanted to debate the subject a little more, he really did, but his headache was more pressing than any future event. With cigarettes and a lighter in hand, he walked over to the window and cracked it open just enough to ventilate the smoke.

The raven didn’t really startle all that much. It just continued to stare at him, feathers visibly bogged down with the heavy rain. Well, that probably explained why it wasn’t really flying. Jesse felt a pang of sympathy for the thing, and while he knew it was against his better judgement, he pushed open the window enough to where the damn bird could come in if it chose to do so.

For a moment, it did nothing. Jesse was actually a bit thankful for that. As he sat down in the room’s small desk chair, he realized he spoke a bit too soon; with a loud, discordant cry, the crow hopped onto the windowsill, and to the best of its abilities, it tried to flap and fly. The only thing it really succeeded in doing was flopping to the floor like a dead, wet fish.

In a moment of panic, Jesse dropped his unlit cigarette and dove forward, dropping to his knees in an attempt to catch the damn thing. He almost did catch it, but he didn’t move fast enough. He couldn’t have, not really, not without a decent warning, but he still felt bad when the crow’s shrieking became exponentially louder, its struggle increasing tenfold. Jesse didn’t really know what to do now. It acted like it might’ve been hurt, but what if it was just freaking out like Jesse was? Could crows even panic?

Jesse took a deep breath as his hands hovered tentatively above the crow. “Can you just- stop flapping around like an idiot,” he said, though it didn’t seem to do very much. Upon further inspection, its wing looked a bit crooked, but maybe its feathers were just ruffled. Jesse just really didn’t want to have to pick the stupid thing up. He would feel bad for leaving it hurt, though.

Jesse cursed himself and his bleeding heart, and with one steadying breath, he reached down and grabbed the crow, trying his best to pick it up without hurting it. Jesse was momentarily thankful he grew up on a farm; this was no different from picking up a testy little hen, even if it was just a little bit bigger. Testy was the right term, too. The crow cried and flailed its legs, and if it wasn’t just an animal, Jesse would’ve swore it was glaring at him.

“Quit fussing, you overgrown chicken,” Jesse muttered. He rose from his spot to sit back in the desk chair, and turned to sit at the poor excuse of a table as he hesitantly held the bird above its surface.

For a moment, Jesse observed the wing that seemed ruffled. There was the potential that it was broken, but unless the crow would cooperate (which he highly doubted), then it would be difficult to even check it out, let alone fix it. Still, Jesse didn’t feel right leaving it to suffer.

“Alright, now listen here,” Jesse said, looking the crow straight in the face, “I’m going to sit you down on this desk and make sure your foolish ass didn’t break anything. If you start squawking and flapping, I’m throwing you out the fucking window.”

Not like it understood a word that came out of his mouth, but it was worth a shot. It had calmed down from its previous panic at the very least. Jesse was thankful for that much, and with one last stern look, he sat the bird down on the desk, making sure to be gentle as he did so.

Shockingly enough, the crow stayed still. It hobbled to its feet and stretched out it’s good wing, fluffing up its feathers at being manhandled, but it didn’t move or fly away. That didn’t mean it would stay that way, though. As carefully as he could, Jesse grabbed the injured wing and started to examine it. He truly hoped that it would be fine, but that was one more hope made in vain. It was visibly broken.

Jesse leaned back in his chair with a sigh. He’d never fixed a bird’s wing before. Sure, he’d dealt with injured animals, but his family typically ate chickens that got wounded as long as the meat wasn’t ruined. The most familiar animal Jesse was used to dealing with were dogs. He’d had a few of them break their legs before, though that was just the tip of the iceberg as far as injuries went. Hell, Jesse had seen services dogs get completely mangled back when he had joined-

No.

That was not a thought Jesse would allow himself to finished. With a deep, shuddering breath, Jesse stood to seek out the bag he had thrown down earlier, but had enough sense to turn to the bird first.

“Please, for the love of fuck, keep your feathery ass on the desk. I really don’t feel like chasing you around,” he said. He paused, wanting to say more, but chose to turn away instead. It wasn’t important, anyways.

The bag was practically in tatters now, but Jesse was just thankful that it didn’t have any holes yet. While stripping off his soggy jacket (he’d been too concerned with trying to smoke to care about the wet clothes clinging to his frame), he grabbed the bag and made his way back to the desk. He made sure to sit out of reach of the crow, just in case it got the bright idea to try and dive in.

Although there wasn’t much of anything left in his bag, Jesse still carried around basic medical supplies for when he got into any sort of trouble with the law or other mercenaries and bounty hunters. The damn bird was lucky that he carried extra bandages. It wasn’t veterinary tape by any means, but Jesse would be damned if he didn’t try to help; if he could survive shootouts and explosions, then he could patch up a fucking bird.

The bird, for its part, didn’t fight all that much. It only pecked when Jesse had to readjust the bone, but other than that, Jesse had been spared from its ear-shattering cries.

“There you go, buddy. Good as new.” Jesse felt a small swell of pride at his handiwork, and sat back to watch the crow get used to the bandages that now restricted its damaged wing and some of its torso. The bird’s hopping and head-bopping was actually a bit amusing to watch.

Jesse made sure to close the window until it was just barely cracked as he threw the remainder of the bandages back into his back and picked up his unlit cigarette from the carpet. He didn’t want the crow to just flop out onto the ground in its condition. The sudden, merciful rush of nicotine in his system was enough to put him in a better mood, but he was too tired to really savor it. By the time he was done with his smoke, he was ready to hit the hay. The only thing preventing that was the realization that the crow would need a spot to warm up and rest, too.

Jesse observed his surroundings as he shed the rest of his soggy clothing. There wasn’t much in the shitty motel room to make a nest out of, but there was a spare pillow that Jesse was willing to give up. A brief search of the small bathroom was rewarded with a large, scratchy towel as well. With his supplies in tow, he carefully sat the extra pillow on the nightstand beside his bed and tried his best to make a nest from his materials. Well, at least it was round and soft. The crow didn’t seem to mind all that much, settling in with an oddly soothing caw as it huddled down for warmth. It stared as Jesse slipped under the covers.

“Glad you like your bed,” he mumbled. His eyes felt heavy as he tucked Peacekeeper under his pillow, the feeling of it under his palm reassuring and cold. “Just don’t make too much noise, okay? I don’t want to get evicted.”

The crow didn’t make another sound when Jesse flipped the lights off. He was thankful, and as the distant sound of rain brought the weary day to a peaceful end, he was silently grateful to finally not be alone.

———

It took Jesse all of ten seconds to remember why he fucking hated birds.

The sun hadn’t even come up, the world barely turning grey, but the stupid crow had hopped out of its manmade nest and straight onto Jesse’s bed, cawing so loudly in his ear that the little bastard was just lucky it didn’t have a copper bullet in its ass.

“Yeah, yeah, shut your beak, you big bitch. I’m awake.” It cried once again and indignantly pecked at Jesse’s fingers as he swatted it away from his face. He glared when it tugged at the sheets, almost like it was trying to pull them back to speed up the morning process.

Jesse chose to ignore it in place of rolling out of bed (on the other side, in order to not crush the bird), walking over to his bag, and grabbing his toothbrush and toothpaste. It was about time to get more.

Now that it was time to travel, Jesse wasn’t really sure what he was going to do about his newfound company. He couldn’t just let it go free, what with the bandages and all, but he couldn’t leave it in the motel room to just starve to death. At the same time, it wasn’t really practical to carry a wild bird with him until its wing healed. He doubted it would behave long enough to do that, anyways. Still, Jesse was already slightly invested in the crow, so he would try his best to take it with him until he could release it back into the wild.

Jesse spit the last of his toothpaste into the sink and took a quick moment to wash off his face. He wouldn’t be taking a shower today. Hopefully he could soon, but he wanted to get the hell out of Dodge before anyone could catch up to him. After the fall of Overwatch, Jesse had been running from place to place, evading police, bounty hunters, and old enemies alike. His current problem was Talon. He’d had the misfortune of bumping into them on his way out of Arizona (he had a pretty good idea as to who they were dealing with down there), and they’d been on his tail ever since.

He had just arrived in New Mexico, on the border of Texas, but he wouldn’t be visiting Santa Fe or staying at his home sweet home for very long. One night was enough, and besides, he had a train to catch.

Though they were still a bit soggy, Jesse threw on his clothes from yesterday, grabbing his bag and placing his hat on his head where it rightfully belonged. Now it was time to figure out what to do with the bird.

“Alright, time to run.” Jesse reached down and grabbed the crow, and was unsurprised when it started to cry and flap its good wing. It was somewhat irritating to have to deal with so early in the morning. “You’re gonna have to work with me, okay? I’ve got places to be, and every second _you_ waste with your fussing is a second that _I’m_ closer to being shot full of holes.”

Every time Jesse would try to shove the bird into the safety of the bag, it would fight and scream and peck until Jesse was eventually forced to give up. He had half a mind to leave the nasty little bastard on the bed. However, as a last ditch effort, Jesse just sat the thing on his shoulder; he reasoned that if it fell off or tried to fly away, then he could do no more than what he had already done to help it.

To Jesse’s surprise, the crow gave one last angry caw into his ear before settling down onto its newfound perch. What a picky little shit.

“Guess you get to ride in style,” Jesse grumbled. As if to agree with him, the bird gave his hair a light tug and puffed up his feathers. Its head was held high with pride. “Don’t be so cocky. I’ll still shove you into the bag.”

Jesse didn’t even bother to check out. Instead, he threw the keycard in front of the door, taking off towards the train tracks at the edge of the country. He wouldn’t be seeing U.S. soil for a good, long while.

———

It had been a long time since Jesse had been to Mexico, and to be quite frank, he missed it dearly.

From the cracked door of his rickety boxcar, he could see the brilliant lights and colors of passing cities, many of which were already celebrating Día de los Muertos. Jesse would be spending his in Oaxaca. Instead of having a human companion, however, he would just have to settle for a crow with human-like tendencies.

Also, because apparently Jesse hated himself more than he originally thought, he had started to call the fucking thing Reyes. It just seemed fitting.

Reyes (the crow, that was) was currently perched on top of large crate. Its broken wing had finally healed, so it had taken to flapping up on the highest places it could find. Like Jesse, it was seemingly watching the world go by, and this wasn’t the first time that Jesse wondered if Reyes was capable of deep, conscious thought. It certainly seemed to be. Its gaze held way too much intelligence, and when Jesse would talk, it would listen and respond with emotion.

Or maybe Jesse was just going insane at this point. It honestly wouldn’t surprise him at all. Two years was a long time to be away from other humans, and very rarely did he even have time to settle down long enough for a one night stand or a shared drink at some shitty bar. But companionship was companionship, he supposed.

“You know... I’ve been here before with the real Reyes, a very long time ago. Not that you would know or care.” Reyes, upon hearing Jesse speak, turned its head to him and cocked it to the side. It was listening. For whatever reason, Jesse found its attentive stare comforting. “We came down here for a mission and somehow, we just barely managed to catch the tail end of Día de los Muertos.”

It wasn’t the first time that both he and Gabriel had celebrated Día de los Muertos, but it had been their first time doing it together. They had even bought clothes for it when they realized that they would actually get to stay for it (Gabriel had fussed when Jesse had used Overwatch’s credit card to make their purchases, but grinned at the spiteful action when he thought Jesse couldn’t see).

Through Gabriel had always beautiful, Jesse’s heart had nearly stopped when the man stepped into the moonlight, revealing meticulously done makeup and a beautiful outfit to follow. Gabriel seemed to have had the same reaction to Jesse that Jesse did him, so in the end, they both had simply soaked the other in until they finally started to giggle like a pair of schoolgirls with middle school crushes.

For the rest of night, they’d spent their time eating sugar skulls and drinking cheap wine, and by the time they made it back to their hotel, the paint on their faces had became smeared by every sloppy kiss they shared. Jesse could still remember the sounds of the celebration continuing in the streets as Gabriel slept at his side, arms thrown protectively around Jesse’s waist, holding him like he was something worth protecting.

A caw loud enough to make Jesse jump interrupted his dangerous train of thought. Reyes the crow was now sitting comfortably on his leg, and Jesse couldn’t help the bitter smile that tugged at his lips.

“Thanks for that. Memories are a hell of a thing, aren’t they?” It was more of a statement than a question, but the bird answered him anyways, just like it always did.

The whistle of the train caught both of their attentions. Jesse peaked out of the boxcar and, upon seeing the railroad station off in the distance, knew that his ride was over. He was already close to where he needed to be, anyways. He gave Reyes a little smile as he threw his bag over his shoulder, rising to stretch out his legs in preparation for his jump. Reyes already knew the drill at this point. It took off through the opened door, and when Jesse took his leap of faith and tumbled to the ground, it was already there to meet him.

“Ugh. I wish the ground could be a bit softer.” Jesse whined as he stood up from his somewhat graceless descent. His hand was bleeding like a stuck pig, no doubt scraped raw by the rocky earth beneath his feet, but he didn’t really pay it any mind. Reyes was the one to seemingly have a problem with it.

The stupid thing landed on his shoulder and pecked relentlessly even as Jesse tried to swat it away. It only stopped when he finally relented, holding his injured hand up with a sigh so it could get a good look at the damage.

“Quit fussing, I’ll take care of it later,” he muttered. He wiped the blood onto his pants with a grimace, decidedly ignoring the pain as he began to walk towards the city in the distance.

———

Lady Luck seemed to finally be on his side for once, because the sun was only just starting to set when he finally entered Oaxaca.

Thankfully, with Reyes flying up above to avoid unwanted attention, people were too busy to notice Jesse as he slowly made his into a more dilapidated part of the city. It didn’t take him very long to reach his target despite the crowded streets.

Off in the corner of an unsuspecting street was an unmarked door, but it was one that Jesse knew well. It was old and rusted at this point. He took out his wallet from within his bag as Reyes swooped down and landed on his shoulder, watching in earnest as Jesse pulled out a keycard that was a bit worse for wear. The telltale emblem was already worn off.

After a swipe of the card and a few codes entered in, Jesse was tucked safely into the old Blackwatch safehouse. It was musty and dark, and he ended up having to use a backup generator for light, but for the first time in a very long time, Jesse felt like he was home. From the messily made cots to the childish stickers plastered onto the concrete wall, it was a place that twisted his guts with a yearning he hadn’t know in years.

Jesse couldn’t muster up the will to say anything as he sat down on a familiar cot. Everything in Blackwatch was basically communal due to the shit budget, but Jesse always fought tooth and nail (playfully, of course) for this cot in particular, simply because it was always closest to the AC unit. He’d throw himself on top of his teammates or just push them off into the floor, and it had caused many pillow fights and impromptu wrestling matches.

What Jesse wouldn’t give to have those days back.

It was with a weary sigh that he rose from his spot, shooing away Reyes while he began to dig through any remaining supplies he could find. Jesse didn’t have much on him to begin with, so anything would be better than nothing.

After an hour of searching the place high and low, Jesse threw all of his spoils onto his cot to take inventory. He had a set of generic civilian clothing, a small stash of pesos and U.S. dollars, some prepackaged rations, and a single unopened med kit. This was more than he’d had in probably over half a year.

Reyes once again began screeching and cawing at Jesse until it couldn’t be ignored anymore, even though the stupid thing kept getting swatted at and moved aside. It was really testing Jesse’s patience.

“What!?” he snapped, “What could you possibly want?” If Jesse didn’t know any better, he would say that the bird was practically glaring daggers into his skin. The little bastard landed on the med kit and screamed even louder. It pecked at the lock, then looked back up to Jesse expectantly.

As if on cue, Jesse’s wounded hand began to ache. Right. He’d said he would patch himself up, and it was just like the stupid bird to stay on his ass until he took care of himself. He unlocked the kit and settled down onto the chilly floor, Reyes now quiet and satisfied.

“You really are just like Gabe, you nasty bastard.” Jesse winced as he scrubbed his bloodied hand with an alcohol wipe, and although he wanted to forgo the rest of his treatment, he wasn’t really in the mood to be fussed at by an overgrown chicken. “Always trying to tell me what to do. It’s a bit rude, you know, especially when you get to pecking at me.”

Of course, Reyes decided to ignore him in place of preening, and Jesse couldn’t help but roll his eyes. How typical. Everything was eventually clean and neatly bandaged. They would have to be changed either later in the night or in the morning, but the pain wasn’t too bad, so Jesse let it slip from his mind as closed the med kit and began to change into the civilian clothes.

It felt good to wear something clean. Though Jesse’s skin was somewhat dirty from his train hopping, he’d managed to convince a lovely lady to take him home for the night and used her shower afterwards. His hair still smelled vaguely of something sweet and floral.

After folding his dirty clothes and placing them to the side, he grabbed the small stash of money and placed it in his bag, then threw the bag over his shoulder. Reyes tried to hop onto the other one, but Jesse stopped him.

“I know you’re gonna hate it, but you have to stay here for the night,” he murmured. He gave the crow’s head a few pets before opening one of the food packets that he knew had crackers in it, along with some water poured out into a plastic container.

To be honest, Jesse wanted to take his companion with him. He had gotten used to the bird’s presence, and despite how much he hated to get yelled at constantly, Reyes made him feel a little less lonely, a little less sad. Still, there was something that Jesse was determined to do tonight. It was his entire reason for coming down to Oaxaca to begin with.

With one last gentle pat, Jesse said his farewells to Reyes with the promise of being back by sunrise, and on his way out, he made sure to lock the doors with extra care so no one could possibly get in. He was thankful that only Blackwatch agents could access these safehouses, and since he was the only one left, he knew Reyes would be safe.

The sun had finally set by the time Jesse made his way into the busy streets of Oaxaca. He still had a checklist of objectives he needed to complete before he could join the celebration beginning all around him, but a small ounce of panic and frustration blossomed in his chest as he began to duck and weave through the sea of people. Hardly any of the stores were open now. Jesse wasn’t surprised, but that didn’t make it any more convenient.

For nearly thirty minutes, he pushed through the crowds in search of any business that might be open, each time ending in failure. It wasn’t until he popped his head down a somewhat vacant street that he saw a store front with its lights still on. As fast as he could, Jesse ran down the street to check the hours, and he smiled as he realized it didn’t close for a few more minutes. He hated to be the person who came in before closing, but this was important.

A soothing little bell rang as Jesse closed the door behind him. It was just a small shop, probably family-owned if he had to guess, the shelves stocked with everything from basic groceries to flowerpots. Most of the place had been picked clean due to Día de los Muertos, but if he was lucky, they might still have what he was searching for.

“Hello! How can I help you, dear?”

Jesse whipped his head around as an elderly lady stepped behind the counter in the front. She smiled kindly at him, broom in hand like she had just been cleaning in order to close for the night.

“Sorry to barge in at the last minute,” he said, bashfully rubbing the back of his neck. “I was just hoping to find some candles if you weren’t out of stock.”

The old woman look at him knowingly. With her broom still in her hands, she beckoned for Jesse to follow her down the aisles, and he was loathe not to obey. After a few minutes, Jesse was back up to the front with candles in tow.

“You wouldn’t happen to have any flowers, would you?”

The old woman shook her head with a sympathetic look in her eye. “I’m sorry, dear. We’ve been sold out of flowers for about a week now.”

“Ah, it’s alright. It was worth a shot.” Jesse shot her a small grin, but for whatever reason, a frown pulled at her lips at the action. Jesse suddenly felt the need to apologize.

Before he could say anything, the woman excused herself and disappeared behind a curtain, which probably either led to a back room or maybe even a small house. Had he said something wrong? Jesse shifted from foot to foot as he carefully placed his candles into his bag and laid out the appropriate amount of money on the counter. He had his hand on the doorknob when the woman stepped back into the room.

“Sorry for the wait,” she said, motioning for Jesse to come back, “I know it isn’t much, but this is all I have.”

In her hand was a single marigold. It had obviously been separated from the rest of the plant, most likely on accident, but its bloom was still a vibrant orange and yellow. Jesse took it from her gratefully, and he held it like it was made of precious gold.

“It’s absolutely perfect, ma’am. Thank you so much.” Jesse reached back into his bag to pay for the flower, but a gentle hand placed itself on his arm, stopping him from doing so.

“There’s no need,” the lady said. Her smile held such tenderness that Jesse’s heart began to ache. She let go of his arm, but instead of wishing him farewell, she handed him a small bundle wrapped in a cloth. He knew it was pan de los muertos by the scent alone. “Take that with you as well, dear. Stay safe tonight, and may you find the peace you’re searching for.”

With that, the old woman wandered back behind the curtain, and as Jesse entered the chaotic streets, door closing behind him, the burden in his heart weighed him down to the core. He shoved the small bundle of bread into his bag as he waded back through the crowd.

The world around him, full of dancing skeletons and beautiful lights and vivid colors, seemed to pass by in a haze of silenced grey. It was with a quiet need for privacy that Jesse wandered past the people around him. Corner after corner, road after road, he continued on until he suddenly found himself alone in a back alley, far enough away from the crowd that the celebration was just a faint hum in the back of his mind.

This would be the perfect spot.

With weary hands, Jesse settled down onto the filthy ground beneath him and pulled the candles from his bag, adjusting them meticulously before lighting each and every one. Next, he pulled the bread from its cloth. There was only one piece, but that was fine with Jesse. He placed it by the candles neatly, making sure the fabric underneath it, along with the single marigold settled beside it, wouldn’t catch fire. It was nearly perfect, but there was still something left.

With shaking hands, Jesse reached into his bag and pulled out his wallet. His breath trembled as he opened it, and with all the tentative fear of disarming a bomb, his fingers slowly removed a folded picture from one of the pockets.

It had been a long time since Jesse had actually looked at it, but he made sure he knew where it was at all times. No matter where he went, how far he traveled, how much distance he tried to place between himself and his past, it weighed him down like a ball and chain. Always dragging, always there. The heavy burden doubled when he finally unfolded the picture for the first time in years.

Gabriel’s gentle eyes and beautiful smile greeted him with all the force of a sucker punch. Still, Jesse smoothed the wrinkles out to get a better view, even if burned his hand like hellfire.They had both been younger then. Jesse had barely turned twenty-six, his hair shorter but forever wild, teeth shining with the largest smile he could possibly muster, and Gabriel was right beside him with enough pride for the both of them. Jesse had just received a Medal of Honor. Aside from Gabriel himself, he had been the first person in Blackwatch to ever have the privilege of getting one.

Jesse, in a moment of weakness, pressed his lips to the picture, lingering there for a moment as if to mutter a soft prayer before setting it up between the soft light of the candles.

Like the old woman had said, he only had one wish: maybe now, after all this time, he could finally find some peace.

———

A wave of nausea hit Jesse like a train when his bleary eyes somehow managed to crack open. He didn’t particularly know where he was, nor where he was currently supposed to be, but if the lingering taste of liquor on his tongue meant anything, he knew exactly what he’d been doing. His peace, like always, came in the form of a glass bottle.

That didn’t answer the question of his current situation, though. As the world came back to him slowly, he felt a gentle hand, so cold yet so tender, run through his long, unruly hair. Ah, so he’d probably wandered home with someone for the night. With a quiet sigh, Jesse closed his eyes again and nuzzled into the scratchy pillow beneath his head; as long as he had a roof above him and a nice, warm bed to sleep in, he would be content.

“You’ve always been such a troublemaker. It’s about time you grow out of it.”

Jesse’s head popped up so fast he was certain his neck would’ve snapped if the hand previously playing with his hair wasn’t there to stop it. Still, that didn’t stop him from pushing the hand to the side in order to at least look up.

How cruel did the world have to be to do this to him? How much did he have to suffer before it was enough? How long until his shattered heart would stop bleeding?

Above him sat the visage of Gabriel, though his once healthy skin was a sickly grey and littered with new scars. That didn’t make it any less beautiful. That also didn’t make it any more real. Jesse knew it was an illusion conjured by his drunken mind, or maybe his insanity and loneliness was finally catching up to him. Either way, a broken laugh pried its way out of his throat as the hand moved back to Jesse’s hair.

“Grow out of it? _Grow_ _out_ _of_ _it_?” Jesse sounded hysterical even to himself. He shoved himself upright so fast that he was nearly forced back down by vertigo, but his hands latched onto the ghost of Gabriel almost painfully tight. Maybe if he held on enough, Gabriel wouldn’t go. “Are you fucking kidding me? First I have a _bird_ telling me what to do, now you? I don’t need my own fucking delusions judging my life decisions.”

Something seemed to soften in Gabriel’s eyes at Jesse’s words, and it was too akin to both pity and pain. Jesse hated it. Still, his grip tightened to the point of his knuckles going white, his head dropping until he landed against Gabriel’s chest. The heart that once beat so strongly didn’t make a sound.

Whether it was that that set him off or something else, Jesse didn’t know. All he could comprehend was the quivering of his lip, his breath hitching, his shoulders trembling, and for the first time in a very, very long time, Jesse began to cry.

He wept for what felt like hours. Tears poured like rain until there was nothing left inside of him, and his throat burned like he’d swallowed acid every time he began to wail. Still, if it kept Gabriel solid, if it kept him whole and firm and _real_ , then he would cry until his body shriveled up and turned to dust. After a while, though, his despair turned into mere hiccups. Jesse didn’t have the strength or the water to do much more than he had, but he kept his arms tightly around Gabriel. He nearly threw another fit when the man began to move.

“Lay down, Jess,” he murmured, carefully adjusting both of them until the were cramped into the little safehouse cot, “I’m right here, okay? Everything will be alright.”

Jesse doubted those words, but right now that didn’t matter. All that mattered was that Gabriel was beside him, holding him like he did many years ago. Once again, a cold hand soothingly ran through his hair, and under the waning veil of night, Jesse was helpless as he succumbed to sleep.

———

It wasn’t the sun that woke Jesse, and neither was it the familiar crow the he had come to love so dearly. Instead, it was the aching heart in his chest as he observed what was on the cot beside him: a feather, his picture, and a single marigold. Once again, Jesse was alone.

**Author's Note:**

> I lowkey hurt myself with this one XD Jesse deserves so much better than what I give him, but he suffers so well
> 
> Please feel free to point out any errors that I may have missed!!! I hope you guys enjoyed this!


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